CAN I SCREAM?!?!?!?!?!

Ok, for the record - toilet training will most certainly be the death of me!! I'm not even remotely kidding.
How in the h-e double hockey sticks is this supposed to work?
Awhile back we were having some success and then all good things came to an abrupt halt (for reasons known only unto Benjamin!)
I've tried everything I can think of/read about/gotten advice about (seriously!):
1) Rewards for peeing (stamp on one hand, big kisses and hugs, dancing around, etc.)
2) Rewards for pooping (stamps on both hands, big kissess and hugs, dancing around, etc.)
3) Plain old kisses and hugs, dancing around, etc.
4) Whooping and hollering; more of the "you peed on the potty!" dance, song, etc.
5) Stickers for even trying to go either pee or poop
6) Once, and I'm not proud of this, I even bribed him with a sucker if he'd go (he did). This method will not be repeated as it is most certainly a trap that I don't want to get caught in!
7) He has the Royal Potty, which plays music when pee passes over a sensor. Weird, I know, but he has now refused to use it, and wants to only go on the big toilet. No problem.
8) I bought him Bob the Builder and Diego underwear.
9) I bought a really cool portable fold-up Blues Clues toilet seat (which, unfortunately recently pinched his hiney so I immediately bought a new Diego soft toilet seat to prevent another stall (so far, so good!).
10) I read him no less than eighteen hundred and forty seven books until he goes (potty books included). This makes me very sleepy ;)
11) A couple times I ran the tap water, but stopped because I don't want him to only be able to go if he hears trickling water or babbling brooks.


In his defense, we have had major success this time around, and he has no problems doing either job once he's on the toilet. It's getting him onto the toilet that's the problem. Some days he'll go with only a little convincing, other days he runs to the toilet (go figure), but most days it's WWIII.
Believe me when I say he is not receptive to the whole "you're a big boy now", "diapers are for babies", etc, etc, because his reply is always "I'm not a big boy now" and "I want to be a baby". It's more frustrating than I can say. I try to stay calm and remember the "it will happen when he's ready" mantra, but I'm almost pulling my hair out over it. Not the fact that he's not going, because he is, but because I can't seem to get him to go with any regularity. I seem to be failing at the whole training thing. He says no ALL THE TIME!! And I refuse to drag him there kicking and screaming, because, really, what point is there in that? It's already a major battle to get him onto the toilet more often than not and I'm just getting soooooo darn tired of the fight!! I just don't want to do it anymore..............UNCLE! I know I'm not the only mother who has gone through this, but please, shoot me now because that would be better :)
Maybe I'll use the tactic that a couple of my friends have used (which seems to have worked): "Gee Benjamin, it looks like we ran out of diapers. Guess you'll have to wear underwear now" (here's the thing - I said it to him today for a joke and he promptly ran to the closet and pointed out that yes mommy, we do indeed, have more diapers........*sigh*)
Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.....................but now that I come to think of it, Ben and I have had a very long day........things probably aren't as bad as they seem, right?